It’s been brewing for months now but for most of that time I have been quite unaware of the impending doom. I’ve been manic for quite a while and deeply depressed in equal measure.
I’ve come to the realisation that I am not doing so well off my meds. Yes I’ve been here quite a few times but that’s just the way my brain works. So I am back on meds and also working towards getting back into a healthier routine.
I’ve also had to re-examine my attitude to running. I have been quite obsessed which is common for us bipolar folk – all new hobbies become quite the focus. I started running as a direct result of a period of mania last year. I enjoy it most of the time but lately have been putting unnecessary pressure on myself. I had started out using the Jeffing method which is quite simply a run/walk method to increase stamina and decrease recovery time. Somehow my bipolar brain decided it was all about speed, time and completing all kinds of challenges.
I have spent the day reflecting on all of this and asked myself what I really want to do and why. I wish to enjoy my run/walk method without thought to times and any other such pressures. I want to enjoy myself, get fresh air and enjoy nature. So that’s what I am going to do. I am no longer putting the importance on the upcoming marathon events in August and December – instead I will simply plod alone at my own pace and actually be OK with it.
Even though my binge eating has reduced it’s still something I have to work on. My sleep has been nearly non existent and it’s served as a timely reminder that for me, bipolar really gives me hell when my diet is poor, my sleep habits are lax and when I don’t get enough quiet time and exercise. So I am going back to regular sleep times, healthier eating and some gentle walking on the days I am not running.
I can’t help but be sad about still not being aware of when I am manic until I am too far down the rabbit hole. It is what it is and the main thing is I am now addressing it in the best way possible.
Now to remember those twice daily meds!